Google can you tell me a joke

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It’s National Joke Day, and your cheesy, mostly funny Assistant has a few jokes up its sleeve. Here are a couple of our favorites:

• You: “Ok Google, tell me a joke.”
  
• Google Assistant: “One joke, coming up! What is a sea monster’s favorite snack? Ships and dip.” 🛳

Not your speed? What about…

• You: “Ok Google, tell me a joke.”
  
• Google Assistant: “This might make you laugh. How do robots eat guacamole? With computer chips.”

So head outside—“Ok Google, comedy shows nearby”—or take a seat—“Ok Google, tell me a joke”—and cue the laugh track.

England easily blow Wales away 3-0 with two goals from Rashford and a Phil Foden tap in to progress to second round clash with Senegal on Sunday… but it's a World Cup exit for sad Welsh 

England have seen off Wales in tonight's 'Battle of Britain' with a thumbing 3-0 win - prompting jubilation for Three Lions fans who will now face Senegal in the last 16 - while the Welsh are heading home. Drinks were thrown in the air in fan parks across the nation tonight, with chants of 'It's coming home' erupting after the goals went in. England supporters in Qatar greeted Marcus Rashford's first goal by singing 'You're going home in the morning' just as Foden stabbed home the second. Rashford then struck again on the 68th minute to score England's 100th goal at the World Cup finals. The second half had already started badly for Wales after their talisman Gareth Bale went off injured. England have now won Group B with the USA in second place after a 1-0 win against Iran.

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Ministers AXE plans to turn migrant boats around in the Channel: Tough tactics 'don't work' and are 'currently withdrawn' with 'no plans' to bring them back - despite record numbers making the journey 

Robert Jenrick (pictured) said analysis showed there were only 'limited circumstances' in which the turnaround idea could be deployed against dinghies. He said the proposals were 'currently withdrawn' and there were 'no current plans' to bring them into operation. Another 426 migrants crossed the Channel on Monday - the most in a fortnight. It brings the total since the start of the year to 42,588, compared with 28,526 in all of 2021.

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Ex-counter terror chief Neil Basu claims Meghan Markle faced many 'very real' and 'disgusting' threats to her life while living in Britain in searing interview as he leaves Met Police after 30 years 

Mr Basu (top), who until recently was the Met's Assistant Commissioner of Specialist Operations, said the threats against the Duchess of Sussex (bottom, with Prince Harry) were 'disgusting' and 'very real'. Asked if the threats were credible, he replied: 'Absolutely, and if you'd seen the stuff that was written and you were receiving it… the kind of rhetoric that's online, if you don't know what I know, you would feel under threat all of the time.' Mr Basu said there had been threats to Ms Markle's more than once, adding: 'We had teams investigating it. People have been prosecuted for those threats.' The sit-down with Channel 4 News' Cathy Newman was Mr Basu's first interview since leaving the Metropolitan Police after 30 years. 

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• 1.6k shares Meghan Markle 'faced many credible threats to her life'

Just Stop Oil protester who sparked fury by bringing M25 to a standstill is jailed for SIX MONTHS

A serial eco-zealot who 'flagrantly ignored' warnings his protests risked jail has finally been locked up. Just Stop Oil supporter Jan Goodey, 57, was among a group of climate change activists who brought a section of Britain's busiest motorway to a standstill during the morning rush-hour, with tailbacks stretching for miles. The Kingston University lecturer and journalist was handed a six-month custodial sentence yesterday after climbing a gantry at Junction 16 over the M25 near Uxbridge in west London on November 7 - weeks after being let off with a conditional discharge for blocking a road in a similar stunt earlier that year. District judge Daniel Benjamin, sentencing him at Westminster Magistrates' Court, said: 'I struggle to see what more the courts could have done to warn you this type of conduct goes beyond what is legitimate and acceptable by way of peaceful protest.'

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Emma Raducanu, 20, wears £10k Dior outfit to receive an MBE for services to tennis from King Charles after making history with US Open win

Emma Raducanu said she is 'extremely grateful' to have received an MBE after it was presented to her by the King on Tuesday. The 20-year-old athlete beamed as she posed for pictures after accepting the honour, awarded for services to tennis, at an investiture ceremony at Windsor Castle. She was made a Member of the Order of the British Empire after her US Open victory in 2021 at the age of just 18. 

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• 2.4k shares Emma Raducanu receives an MBE for services to tennis from King Charles

Furious viewers of 24 Hours in Police Custody demand 'JUSTICE' after hero father who ran burglars off the road is jailed for 22 months... while the crooks are spared prison - as well-wishers launch GoFundMe page to help family 

A father-of-two who was jailed for taking the law into his own hands when career criminals attempted to burgle his home has said he 'can't believe' the outpouring of support he has received. Adam White, 34, (left) was jailed in February for 22 months for causing serious injury by dangerous driving after he ran the would-be burglars off the road (scene pictured top right) while the crooks themselves were spared prison. His story was told on last night's episode of 24 Hours in Police Custody on Channel 4, prompting fury from viewers who said they were 'completely sickened' by his conviction while Taylor Benford and Ryan Paul, both 25, (bottom right) were given suspend sentences. Since it was aired, White said he had received 'kind words and heart felt sympathy' from members of the public. A GoFundMe page called 'Give Adam White Justice' has been set up to help his family, raising more than £12,000 in less than 24 hours.

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Matt-urday night fever! Matt Hancock shows off his dad dancing as he parties with jungle campmates following I'm A Celebrity stint 

He looks set to make a fortune following his stint on I'm A Celebrity - so it's no surprise that Matt Hancock's getting into the party spirit. The former health secretary, 44, let loose on the dancefloor as he reunited with campmates for the series' Coming Out show. The West Suffolk MP was pictured shuffling and flailing his arms around before forming a conga line with comedian Babatunde Aleshe and TV presenter Scarlette Douglas.

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Camilla is joined by Rania of Jordan, Sophie Wessex and Crown Princess Mary of Denmark as she welcomes Mel B and Zara McDermott at reception to raise awareness of violence against women

Camilla, 75, held the event in London today to raise awareness of violence against women and girls, as part of the United Nations' 16 days of activism against gender-based violence. The reception was attended by around 300 people including survivors and their families, as well as famous faces including television presenter Lorraine Kelly, reality TV star Zara McDermott as well as Ukraine's First Lady Olena Zelenska. Queen Mathilde of Belgium, the First Lady of Sierra Leone, as well as the Countess of Wessex, and former prime minister Boris Johnson's wife Carrie and his sister Rachel Johnson were also present. The guests also included politicians and charity representatives from SafeLives, Women's Aid and Refuge. Pictured L-R centre image: Sophie Wessex, Queen Mathilde of Belgium, Camilla, Queen Rania of Jordan, Princess Mary of Denmark, Fatima Bio, first lady of Sierra Leone,  Olena Volodymyrivna Zelenska, first lady of Ukraine.

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• 135 shares Queen Consort Camilla hosts a Buckingham Palace reception

20 Britons may have died from blunder at Covid lab where 'play-fighting workers’ wrongly told up to 40,000 infected patients they did NOT have virus, investigators say 

Errors at Immensa's Wolverhampton site (top) meant around 39,000 positive PCR swabs were wrongly logged as negative. As a result, thousands continued with their daily lives and didn't self-isolate - even though they were potentially infectious. UK Health Security Agency chiefs have now estimated the mistakes, which occurred in the autumn of 2021, led to about 55,000 extra cases. Covid testers at the site were filmed fighting (bottom), playing football, sleeping and throwing snowballs in January, while the country was frozen under lockdown.

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• 65 shares Blunder at COVID lab is linked to deaths of 20 people,

Albanians celebrating Independence Day grind central London to a HALT: Police battle to move on revellers and convoy including £120,000 Mercedes and £160,0000 Lamborghini blasting their horns and blocking traffic 

Hundreds of Albanians took the streets of London in flashy cars overnight to celebrate their country's independence day. Video footage shared online shows Mercedes, Audis, Range Rovers and Porsche 4x4s bringing traffic around Westminster to a standstill as Metropolitan Police officers attempt to move the vehicles on. In various clips, men and women can be seen waving the Albanian flag while hanging out of the windows of their cars and blowing airhorns. Elsewhere, cars performed wheel spins while young women donned traditional dresses and danced in the street. Loud firecrackers were let off while the long line of vehicles beeped their horns continuously to celebrate Albania's independence, which is commemorated on November 28 each year. The small European nation became independent on that date in 1912, just 110 years ago.

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• 563 shares Albanians in flash cars grind central London to standstill

Furious viewers of 24 Hours in Police Custody demand 'JUSTICE' after hero father who ran burglars off the road is jailed for 22 months... while the crooks are spared prison - as well-wishers launch GoFundMe page to help family 

A father-of-two who was jailed for taking the law into his own hands when career criminals attempted to burgle his home has said he 'can't believe' the outpouring of support he has received. Adam White, 34, (left) was jailed in February for 22 months for causing serious injury by dangerous driving after he ran the would-be burglars off the road (scene pictured top right) while the crooks themselves were spared prison. His story was told on last night's episode of 24 Hours in Police Custody on Channel 4, prompting fury from viewers who said they were 'completely sickened' by his conviction while Taylor Benford and Ryan Paul, both 25, (bottom right) were given suspend sentences. Since it was aired, White said he had received 'kind words and heart felt sympathy' from members of the public. A GoFundMe page called 'Give Adam White Justice' has been set up to help his family, raising more than £12,000 in less than 24 hours.

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How YOU could beat inflation in the future by moving your savings now: SIMON LAMBERT answers your savings questions - including where to find the best rates and how acting today could pay off

VIDEO This week, This is Money editor Simon Lambert answers your questions about savings rates in his weekly video question and answer session. He explains how it might be possible to beat inflation over the next two years by choosing a better savings account now, where to find the best rates - and why a standard savings account is unlikely to be your best choice.

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• 1 share How you COULD beat inflation in the future by moving your savings now

A snapshot of modern Britain: Census shows fewer people in England and Wales describe themselves as white and under HALF are Christian for the first time EVER, while two-thirds of Londoners are from an ethnic minority: so how does YOUR area compare?

Figures from the 2021 census show 81.7 per cent of residents in England and Wales identified their ethnic group as white on the day of the 2021 census, down from 86 per cent a decade earlier,

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• 261 shares Proportion of Britons describing themselves as white falls 

Revealed: Drugged-up driver, 49, who was jailed for causing horrific motorbike crash while on the wrong side of the road was once a window cleaner for King Charles

EXCLUSIVE: Matthew Bell, 49, from Llandeilo was sentenced to 30 months yesterday for causing life-changing injuries to a couple when he smashed into their motorbike, sending them catapulting through the air. A shocking video of the crash shows Bell, high on cocaine and cannabis, driving on the wrong side of the road when he hit Richard Amner, 58, and his wife Alison, 55, sending Mrs Amner eight feet into the air to land on a garden wall. Now MailOnline can reveal that serial offender Bell was once hired to clean the windows at then Prince Charles' and Camilla's country estate in Wales - before being sacked when his criminal past came to light.

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• 29 shares EXCLUSIVE: Motorbike crash driver was King Charles' window cleaner

Tories howl down Labour's Sarah Owen and tell her to 'sit down' in furious Commons bust-up after report claimed Paul Howell failed to declare his 17 properties - only for the MP to respond: 'Make me' 

Sarah Owen, MP for Luton North, was responding to a speech by Sedgefield MP Paul Howell when several Tory MPs told her to 'sit down'. She responded, 'Do you want to tell me to sit down out there?'

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• 26 shares VIDEO: Tories tell MP Sarah Owen to 'sit down' in Commons bust-up

Girl, 17, drowned after jumping from a bridge as staff approached - two years after traumatic attack which 'changed her', inquest hears

A Humber Bridge staff member tried to talk a suicidal teenager back from the edge of the railings before watching helplessly as she let go and fell, an inquest has heard. Grace Fyfe Left), 17, drowned after falling from the Humber Bridge (right with floral tributes) after leaving a voicemail with a friend saying 'I cannot be here anymore and I'm sorry' and texting her mother 'I love you forever'. Her mother said that a vicious attack by bullies who punched and kicked Grace 'until she passed out' when she was 15-years-old 'changed her' - but she had otherwise been a 'happy, smiling' teenager who dreamed of becoming a drama teacher.

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Moment pub landlord is BOOED by drinkers as he reveals himself to be a secret Three Lions supporter as divided village that straddles the English and Welsh border braces for World Cup showdown tonight 

Llanymynech's position makes its inhabitants conflicted over which side to back. John Turner (left) is expecting a bar full of Welsh fans at The Dolphin Inn - but where his loyalty lies is more complicated.

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• 20 shares Pub landlord booed for supporting England in village on Welsh border

WFH family doctor conducts online consultations from her Cornish home that's 260 MILES away from patients: Fury as GP works 'remotely' despite West Sussex surgery in 'high demand'

Dr Justine Hall is one of three doctors listed as working at Rudgwick Medical Centre near Horsham, West Sussex. The surgery has recently been experiencing 'high demand' for its services, according to a recorded message from Dr Hall herself. However, patients have been left furious at the revelation that she is working from home in Falmouth rather than seeing them face-to-face. The surgery's website states that Dr Hall holds 'remote working' consultations on Wednesdays and Thursdays and has been 'working locally' to Guildford, Surrey - around a 30-minute drive away - since 2015. But Dr Hall now lives near the Cornish seaside, even further away from surgery locals desperate for appointments amid growing concerns over waiting times.

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• 911 shares GP conducts online consultations from Cornish home 260 MILES away

Go from rags to riches! Two bedroom apartment in building that housed the real Dick Whittington who was Lord Mayor of London in 14th century and inspired famous folk tale goes on sale for £1.3million 

Richard 'Dick' Whittington, former Lord Mayor of London, was once housed at the site where an apartment was put up for sale for £1.3 million. It was originally built as a school.

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• 3 shares Whittington house once home to ex London mayor up for sale for £1.3m

Hawaii is struck by 4.0 magnitude earthquake as Mauna Loa volcano continues to erupt - but worst-case scenario is avoided and local hotels are now preparing for boom in tourism from 'lava watchers'

Officials have warned the 200,000 Big Island residents to prepare for a worst-case scenario even though the lava flow is not yet endangering towns, saying an eruption can be 'very dynamic, and the location and advance of lava flows can change rapidly.' Lava could eventually reach neighborhoods as it flows downhill though it could take a week or more for molten rock to reach populated areas. Mauna Loa is belching sulfur dioxide and other volcanic gases which form volcanic smog, or vog, when they mix with vapor, oxygen and dust in sunlight.